Dear Amanda,
"I've lived life from a place of fear, wanting to guide, monitor, and control everything. Slowly, I feel I'm becoming a control freak, attached to things and people I don't want to lose because they define me. When they're taken away, I feel broken and hurt. I fight hard to control and keep things together, but it leaves me exhausted and feeling all alone".....Diary Extract
I need to be honest with you. I have a confession; I hesitate to call it a secret anymore because it feels more like a burden I can’t shake and is becoming overwhelming. It’s about the idols of my heart that subtly bring a different tone and affect the weight I put on things and how I view them. These are the expectations, values, slogans, and standards I’ve set for myself, ideas I’ve clung to so tightly that they’ve become my guiding principles, almost like idols. They’ve started defining my life, affecting how I see, relate to others, and even approach my relationship with God.
I’ve struggled with these idols, Amanda that they’ve become so ingrained in me that letting go feels like losing a part of myself. They’ve brought me fear, anxiety, and a sense of control that I know isn’t healthy. These idols of my heart are not just tangible things like phones or wealth; for me, they’re deeper as they reflect things that have engulfed me and defined my movements and attributes. They’ve clouded my judgment and made me prioritize the wrong things that have become more important than God, and now I’ve become so focused on managing everything perfectly that I’ve lost sight of actual dependence on God. I’ve become rigid, desperately trying to hold onto everything and everyone, afraid of loss or change. I live my life in fear of vulnerability because it means relinquishing control, and this scares me.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” [Proverbs 3:5-6]
I’m so caught up in a lie that seems so genuine, affecting how I relate to God, view life, and my relationships with others. I don’t know if you can tell, Amanda, but I can because it’s eating deeply within me that I can no longer entirely depend on this path I have created for myself: one where I’m rewriting the very story the Lord should be writing for me.
I wish I could open my heart for you to see this, but I hope to communicate to you in the best way I can that I’ve come to realize that this path is exhausting. It’s left me drained and longing for peace.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” [Proverbs14:12]
I can continue to rant, but I felt the need to write and share with you today because I believe you might understand. Perhaps you, too, have wrestled with idols in your life, or maybe there’s something you’re holding onto tightly, something that’s become more critical than it should be. So I invite you to reflect and ask yourself:
What is your idol?
What are you idolizing that you find so hard to let go?
What has slowly consumed you and become a reality you live by?
What has become a strength for you but a weakness with God because you can no longer be vulnerable?
What is encroaching on the space where you used to commune with God?
Anything not God-based or God-defined that you depend on has slowly become an idol for you. It might still be a physical thing, but beyond the physical, what thoughts or imaginations have you put above God? What is the reality or imagination you’ve held so profoundly that you can’t let go?
“casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” [2 Corinthians 10:5]
Your idol may be the thing you need to let go of to embrace the love and peace of God you so earnestly desire to see fully. Sometimes, our idols may also be pains we’ve nurtured that have taken so much from us. My idol or idolizing may sound cliché, but Amanda, why don’t you let it go now?
At this point, Amanda,
I invite you to come to a place of restoration, to make your burden light and exchange your idol for Christ’s burden. Would you let Christ come in, walk with you, and work through you? Let Him renew you. I invite you to be real again, honest with yourself, and take up the challenge to be free. I invite you to see Christ again, enjoy Him, and let Him have your totality.
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
[Matthew 11:28-30]
I’m saying this to you first, not because I want to find relief and let go, but because I feel you should come on this journey with me. Remember, we started a new walk in my previous letter to you, so let this be your first task: drop the weight that easily besets you and exchange your idol for Christ’s burden.
“…let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”
[Hebrews 12:1]
I’m on a journey to let go of these idols, Amanda. It’s not easy, but I believe it’s necessary for my spiritual growth and true peace. I invite you to consider joining me on this path of letting go and rediscovering our dependency on God. It’s a journey towards freedom and restoration, embracing vulnerability and finding joy in Christ alone.
Will you take this step with me, Amanda?
Yours in faith,
Written by Mary Nwanua
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